Falling Slowly
by iavenge
Summary: "The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time." [Romanogers one-shot.]


**Title: **Falling Slowly

**Rating: **PG-13

**Word Count: **5,583

**Characters: **Steve/Natasha

**Genre:** Romance, Drama, Slice of Life

**Summary: **The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time.

Falling Slowly

by iavenge

Dressed in an emerald colored over the shoulder sweater over a black tank top and brown leather pants, Natasha decided to abandon her usual casual or so-called work attire for this day. She was about to go in her usual leather jacket and casual jeans earlier, but decided that he was worth more than that and took the time to modify her outfit.

After all, it was actually one of the rarest times she gets to dressed up not for work, but for an occasion that has no relation to missions. She knew it was not much of a difference than her usual attire, but there were no other choices in her wardrobe that mostly consisted of black, red, white and other skimpy clothing that was designed for her work. So she decided to style her hair up differently instead.

It was an understatement to say how much time she spent making her hair look perfect and seeing how messed up her hair already was, she decided to bunch it all up in a messy bun.

Checking her appearance once more, she slipped her feet into her knee-high leather boots and was off the door.

With a destination in mind, she walked in a leisure pace. It was just a casual hangout really, but something was nagging her in the back of her mind that it's not the usual. She didn't know why Steve was so persistent in meeting her and it bugged her for he was always the gentleman to pick her up. But today he decided to make a call, be spontaneous and asked her to come to the park 5 blocks away from the Avengers tower they now call home.

She reasoned that maybe he has something important to do. However, her spy instincts come to play hinting to her that something was really odd. She didn't know what to say, how to react, but she didn't like it. Not one bit.

Her relationship with Steve was short to say, complicated. She's a spy and love for her was, is and will always be a liability. She admits that she cares for him, but is a person, whose ledger is gushing red, able to love? She doubts it and she can't deny the fear of her complicated feelings growing about a certain good man.

Steve Rogers.

The man who she met in the helicarrier three years ago, cope with her being stripped bare of her identities and whom she has allowed to see the real her. His physical appearance was at humans' finest form with the addition of his trademark gentle yet determined blue eyes. It still baffles her now that he had the whole female population chasing after him, but he took no interest in even one of them. That intrigued her and made her feel slightly curious of what he looks for in women.

So she suggests people for him to see. People think that the right one he's been waiting for is her, but she's not naive. She accepted the fact that no man will willingly approach her genuinely and take her to a deep commitment relationship knowing her status. She's lethal, she's deathly. She's not someone you want to mess with and she has come to terms with it.

And again, why would a perfectly good man, like him, like her? A spy with a troubled past? He can grab anyone whose normal, one not with a job like theirs. He has suffered enough and he deserves so much more than this life and with her thrown in the mess? He doesn't need that, she thought, and if the cost of his happiness means her going through the hassle of ignoring her aching heart and finding more friends just to set him up until he finds the right one, so be it.

"Took you long enough," his gentle voice breaks into her reverie.

She nodded, acknowledging his presence, "Steve."

His lips lift up into a small smile, but she noticed how this time, it did not reach his eyes. Deciding to ignore it, she returned the gesture. A brief silence passed by before she decided to make some lighthearted conversation, "Did you went out with Sharon yet?"

Steve noticed how her lips curved up in the slightest ways as she mentioned that. Shaking his head, he decided to play with her games too and allow a real smile to take over his features. "Yeah," he nodded his head, thinking about how amusing this whole situation is, "Yeah, I did."

"How did it go?" breaking eye contact, she went around him and walk away to the nearest bench she spotted. She knew he was watching her every move and she questioned herself for the need to walk away from him so quickly. Telling herself that she was just tired and wanting to get comfy in a seat, she knew otherwise. She's a spy for goodness sake, of course she can stand upright for more than just 5 minutes. The reason behind her actions? She rather not acknowledge it… at least for now.

Plopping herself down on the white wooden bench, she stared ahead to the bursting white fountain of the park. She scanned the area and noticed how it was strangely deserted at this hour save for a couple of people strolling by in the opposite side of them. She feels his body heat inching nearer towards her and decided to look at him, coaxing his reply from her earlier question.

"It was fine," he replied nonchalantly, directing his gaze to the fountain.

Silence ensued and they both knew how queer it was to not have Natasha prying at the subject even more. They both knew that today, he need to declare something and she knew better than hinder it using a bunch of silly questions that could be saved for later so she decided to drop the subject for today.

Looking at her for a while, Steve realized how many things have change since that day two years ago at the graveyard. She just returned a few months back and they had hit it off with a spontaneous hangout in a 1950s diner. As friends, he reasoned, she decided to set him off with some gals he honestly has no interest in. However, since she set him up already, he decided to be a gentleman and brush away the idea of disappointing a lady.

Steve knew how there was some sort of tension that builds between them over the course of few weeks. Some say it was his feelings piling up for her and she the other way around, but he knew better than that. He knew she was a spy and for her, love is for children so in his eyes, it was impossible for her to have some feelings bottled up for him. And for himself, you ask? Steve realized, he doesn't even know what he is feeling anymore. Love, women and relationships had always been his area of weakness. He doesn't have much experience with it and decided that it's better for him not to pry his way through it. So when rumors started brimming about how he was in love with the spy, he didn't deny it but he didn't agree to it either.

"Spill," turning to look at him, she mentioned it in a voice that leaves no room for an argument. When he just blankly stared at her, she clarifies her statement, "What's bothering you?"

He allows himself to give her a small, nostalgic smile before beginning his story with a, "Remember that woman's photograph next to Howard you asked me about back in New Jersey?"

She realized it was not her place to interrupt so she just looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. He knew it was a cue for him to go on, knowing that she recalled that memory from the back of her mind. "She's Peggy… well, Margaret Carter. She was a beautiful dame back in the days equipped with the right skills, intelligence and a burning passion to do what was right."

A smile ghosted on his features as he reminisced about the past, "We had a date. She told me she was going to teach me how to dance, but…" he stopped and allowed himself to breathe as he relives his worst nightmare, "I need to put the plane on ice."

Natasha knew that face, that tone and decided to study him. "You loved her," he looked at her with a worn expression on his face, "didn't you?" she added softly when he didn't reply.

"If that's what you call love, yes I did," looking so forlorn and lost didn't suit him, she thought. But this was the main reason why she never wanted to ever feel emotions such as love; it made her feel defenseless to a whole new level of vulnerability.

And maybe it was also one of the reasons she was scared to accept this complicated feelings she reciprocated for the captain. He has already promised his heart to someone else and she has no possible way in intervening true love.

She may be what people will call The Emotionless Black Widow, but she knows true love when she sees it. She understood that this Peggy means a lot to him and she must be perfect for Steve, but fate- no, not fate- the world just have to destroy all the good things in this life. Hence, she denies herself to feel the pieces of her heart being ripped apart agonizingly slow that makes her shoulders slump, swallows all the lumps that formed in her throat and told herself to suck it up because she's a spy, a master assassin and she was trained not to feel.

Standing up, she looked at him as his eyes questioned her actions, "I'll show you how," she mumbled out as she reaches her right hand for him to take.

She didn't know what got to her, really. It was never her plan to do this, but I guess, if this was what you'll call love or some sort of attraction, she retorts, then _that _makes you do crazy things.

Astonished, he looked at the hand, chuckled and took her hand, "Funny how you both said the same thing."

She pulled him up and gave him a small yet genuine smile. She understands, he thought, as he looked her in the eyes with no trace of mischief, smugness nor tricks in that beautiful pair of green orbs. "So," he returned her smile, "what are we dancing to exactly?"

When she gave him an amused look with an eyebrow cocked upwards, he thought he was saying the wrong words. Cue in the ramble then, he thought to himself, "I mean…" giving him a look to elaborate, he continued. "Shouldn't we have some… tune to like… dance to?"

When she didn't say anything, Steve tries not to die from the heat rushing to his cheeks. He may be Captain America, but he is still Steve Rogers and Steve Rogers is not good with women. Guessing that he was wrong, he didn't dare to look at her in the eye and shift his eyes towards the ground, all the while biting his lip as his form of reprimanding for himself for being so stupid. This is Natasha Romanoff, he scolded himself, she does what she does if she wants to, not when you ask her to. Reaching a hand towards his neck, he decided to look anywhere but her, "I mean," he swallowed before stuttering out an, "if you don't want to, it's fine with me too."

Shaking her head in attempt to cover a full laughter coming through, but it was futile. She let out the softest amount of laughter and watches how his cheeks are turning flaming red by now, "You really don't understand how to talk to a woman do you?"

At the almost exact words mentioned by Peggy, he responded with a smile, "You're just like her."

And then it hits home for her, forcing her to compress the moisture that was threatening to come out of her eyes. Something about the way he says it, was it admiration he has for her? He's comparing her to this Peggy and under normal circumstances, she will feel insulted. However, it feels like this time it was his way of complimenting her, giving her hope that no matter how messed up her past was, he was willing to accept her for who she is and look for her good qualities despite all the horrible deeds she had done. And she came into the realization that it was possible for him to have feelings for her if he was able to put her and this Peggy woman side to side and find similarities from the both of them. But it makes her realize too that he can't let Peggy go and even she can't be the cure to his aching heart.

So she does what she does best; do the unexpected. Her hand reached into the back pocket of her skirt and came back with ear phones. Plugging it to her iPod, she skimmed through the list of songs and decided to settle with a soft, slow yet sweet music. Handing him one of the ear buds, she signaled him to put it on him as she uses the other for her own ears.

Trying his best to look skeptical, he questioned her, "Are you really doing what I think you're doing?"

The answer he got was her left hand guiding his right to her hip and intertwining her right hand with his left. Not a second was spared for him to comprehend what just happened as he hears the sound of the piano drifting through his ears.

Looking into her eyes, he realized how much he has missed her over the course of two years. He remembered the way she told him that she needed to find a new cover since all her covers are blown. Who was she now, he wondered? He didn't get a chance to ask her back then. But to him, he will always be Natasha Romanoff, the fearless, selfless and beautiful young lady yet what people see as a threat.

I don't know you, but I want you

All the more for that

She remembers that day when the both of them acted out as a married couple in the mall. How she called him her fiancé, teasing him about the kiss that they shared and the words exchanged during the car ride.

"Nobody special though?"

"Believe it or not, it's kinda hard to find someone who shares the same life experience."

"Well, that's alright, just make something up."

"What, like you?"

"I don't know, the truth is a matter of circumstance. It's not all things to all people all of the time. And neither am I."

Words fall through me and always fool me

And I can't react

He told her he wanted her to be his friend and she didn't know what made her say, "You're in the wrong business, Rogers."

After all, she was never keen on trusting people and letting them in. Being friends with a spy is a lose-lose on both parts. She never wants him to be threatened because of her and maybe that was the sole reason why she spurted those words out of her mouth months back. She was not stupid, however, to realize that there could have been a deeper meaning behind those words and this moment, proves it all.

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

Meanwhile, he's tired of all this complicated feelings he's having. Having an introverted thinking as one of your features surely has its own disadvantages when it comes to solving his own feelings. He just doesn't know what is right to do anymore. Should he go after her? Take her out on a date? But then again, his other part of mind reminded him, if he did, he'll feel like he's cheating on Peggy even if he has told her that it's his turn to live his life.

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You've made it now

It's a stalemate. She's too afraid of the amount of liability she'll have to endure and the threatening position she'll let him into if she agrees to her feelings. Him, on the other hand, wants this as much, but he's too caught up with the past.

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I can't go back

The moods that take me and erase me

And I'm painted black

But they both knew they're both in this too deep already. In one way or another, one of them is bound to get hurt or actually, make that two. And it's either they sacrifice everything, stripping themselves bare and be vulnerable, drowning in this whole ocean of attraction or they could be mature and keep this all lock inside their own minds, acting that all this is none but based on desperation of being with someone and an illusion their mind has been toying with all along.

Well, you have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won

Somewhere along the lines, Steve noticed they were inching closer, his hands were now circling her around the waist while her hands moved to put just the tiniest bit amount of pressure behind his neck. Taking in her natural appearance with almost no make up peppering her face and a few strands of hair cupping her face, he wondered what it would be like if they were both brave enough to get out of their shells and take a chance. He wondered what it would feel like when he wakes up to her in the morning, kisses her forehead as she continues dozing off while he gets up and make a cup of coffee for him and a cup of Earl Grey for her. He imagined that she would be a great wife and a mom despite her past and it's unlikely for him to think about women this far ahead, but somehow… somehow with her, she fits into his picture perfect of life.

However, he knew that this can't be because he knows she's not ready to make this choice and life has always been unfair to him. The constant pattern of him always losing someone he cares so much just beneath his fingertips. And for the first time, he never knew that he could be so scared of her leaving him all over again if they took this chance and it turns out to be a bad idea. So he wishes with all his heart that if he was not able to be with her, he hopes to keep this friendship of them forever and that was his choice.

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice

You've made it now

It's funny for her now that they could communicate through their eyes without saying a word. Some kind of best-friend type of thing, she figured, as she has done this with Nick, Clint and Hill before. And even if she was not able to communicate with Steve through the eyes, she's a spy and she noticed the makeshift in his expression and she realized that it's her time to make her choice. He has decided his, she needs to decide hers.

Swaying side to side with him with melody filling her ears, she knew that this was going to be her first and last dance with him. There's no way she could be brave enough to take the plunge and put him in danger when she's working. She must not have any sort of weakness and he already brought the inner weakness within her. She does not want him to become a target and eventually, a real weakness that selfish human beings need to eliminate from her life. Maybe she should have realized that there's no chance for her in living in peace and a normal life when she accepted her fate to become a spy. Steve deserves better than having to sleep one eye awake if she's going on a mission and he definitely deserves to have a normal life with someone who does not work like her. He deserves comfort, security and peace in his life; gifts that she can't give to him. She realized it's better for them to be friends and she agrees with him, on that decision, that she treasured their friendship more than anything else. And if her heart needs to be shattered, which she is willing to bet, breaking into pieces more than his, just so he could live a normal life he always dreamed of, she's willing to make this sacrifice and let this feeling go. Both for him and for her.

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice

You've made it now

Maybe in another life, in another world where they would meet in different circumstances, they would be able to be together. Just as Natasha and Steve and no one else. Maybe she could be able to give him all her love, all her heart without fears of getting him into being a target. Maybe he could love her, without any doubts and guilt clouding his mind on Peggy. And maybe they would meet in the right time, because they both knew that they need each other but time was always not on their side.

So they both decided in their own peculiar way to seal all this behind. And as he leans to capture her mouth with his own, she closes her eyes and savor the feeling of being encased by his arms and the feel of his fingertips ghosting over her cheeks, tracing the contour of her face as if he's trying to memorize them. When he wanted to pull away, she didn't let him and brought her hands up to run her fingers through his hair, feeling the softness of each strand and liking the feel of it.

It's the two of them encased in their own little bubble of desperate love against the world at this moment. It was innocent. Sweet. Something Natasha was not used to. Something Steve never experienced. So when air was needed, all they did was part for a second before returning with a much rougher and a needy one.

This was what they have been missing out, they figured. He was rough combined with the littlest amount of softness while she was the complete opposite. She has had experience before, but nothing like this that made her feel like tearing up for choosing to back out instead of diving right in head first. But she knew no matter how she resisted against fate, she needed to go and he needed to keep on living his life.

Falling slowly sing your melody

I'll sing it loud

Pulling away as the melody comes to an end, she knew she needed to make an announcement to him. It was hard to form words inside her mouth because she knew that this would break him as much as it is breaking her right now. But she needed to do this. She has to, if they want to keep up with this choice.

"There's something I have to tell you," her voice was huskier, a proof to the both of them that the kisses have been real.

Looking into her eyes, he knew what he was going to hear was bad news. The sudden change of atmosphere intensifies the whole deal and making it clear that the sooner she spits it out, the better. There's no good in delaying it. "What is it?"

"I…" standing so close to him, she could feel his warmth coating her gently, but turns her into a suffocating mess when she needs to utter out the truth. "I'm going to go on a mission tomorrow to Japan." Making herself brave, reminding herself she will have to do this either way, she looks him in the eye and said, "I don't know when I'll be back."

And that was it. She saw how his eyes switched from confusion to hurt, something she never wanted to see. But she has to do this, she reminded herself. This was the path they choose and if only he could know how much this was hurting her too, maybe she wouldn't feel so bad after all. But what was running in his mind was different. He blames himself for her leaving. He knew it was her choice, but once again, he could have done something better, maybe actually willing to have gone with his instincts and take her out on a date once. Maybe, just maybe, things will turn out differently. But what was said, has been said and none of them could go back.

Losing all his composure, he could barely manage a nod, understanding her decision. So when she made her choice of walking away from him, he realized he couldn't go without this anymore. He's done with trying to put himself back on place. He sees this in the movies they have nowadays so he decided to caught up to her and engulf her from behind because he doesn't know when he'll see her again. He knew it was out of character of him and he knew she was shocked from the way her body went rigid under his touch, but she too soon relaxed and realized that they need this one last piece of comfort before departing away.

He wanted to say, "Stay, you just came back" or "why are you leaving me- us, again?' or "Please don't leave" or "Take me with you." But he knows he needs to let her go because he was the one who made this decision and she was the one following his orders. And as much as she wants to hear those words from him, she's thankful enough for the fact that he only hugs her because leaving him would be even harder if she heard him say those words out loud.

She doesn't know how long she was standing in this backward embrace, but she missed the feeling of comfort in his arms once he let go. She missed leaning on his chest, that she knows is a wall of support for her. And she missed the feeling of him, where she feels like she belongs there, with him, together. The feeling of home.

But a spy always leaves her home and home might not always wait for her for she needs to move from time to time. She was rarely home and it's sad to see the home being empty. But one day, that home will be sold to someone else in order for her to afford new places to settle in or to simply erase her track records.

So she trudges on and moves forward because that was what she was always trying to do. She goes on, even if the past haunts her. But she decided she has to do one final thing before she closes this chapter of her life.

Reaching her hand upward to her chest where she feels the smooth surface of a pin embedded underneath her sweater, she searched for her phone and dial a number. "Hey, yeah," she stopped in her tracks and looked to the distance, "I need you to do something for me."

xxx

Back at his apartment, he plopped himself down on the sofa and make himself comfortable. Staring absentmindedly to the TV in front of him, he replayed the events before. Dancing with her, admiring how her hair falls messily but still managing to capture her beauty and how everything so perfect ended so soon. He wished she was here, wished she had stayed, but he was always not on Cupid's right side.

He looked around the room, thinking about how she would sometimes go and stay here for the night after a movie marathon they have together. How she would make herself at home, sit down, raise her legs up and settle it down to his thighs making him her foot rest. Or how she would lean on him and he'll get a blanket to make the both of them cozy. He remembered how sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night, feeling a weight on his shoulder and seeing her at such a peaceful state with her eyes closed.

And that was when he caught on something from his kitchen. Approaching the area, he noticed a small box sitting in the center of the dining table. Wrapped in a red wrapping, he knew who it was instantly when he saw the scripted handwriting addressing his full name, Steven Grant Rogers.

Taking the box in shaky hands, he moved back towards his couch and with nimble fingers, took the lid off. He comes face to face with a pin. A Captain America shield pin to be exact. Tiny enough to be pinned under a clothing and go unnoticed.

Shaking his head, he allowed himself a genuine, happy smile even with the events occurring today. Turning his head to the window, he stares off the brightly lighted night and wished that she would be safe wherever she was because he lo- cares for her.

xxx

On the other side of the world, Natasha finally arrived at her hotel in Japan. Deciding to call it a day and get some rest, she stripped her attire and went to get her night gown. She missed having that pin attached to her bra, where it used to lay closest to her heart.

She always had something to remind her of her dysfunctional family- The Avengers. A charm or an ornament of some sort that she has different for each guys that has made her life more worthwhile. To some people it may be odd, for her it reminded her of the entire journey she had called life and it was an omen for her to keep on going. She had an anatomically accurate key chain of a heart to remind her of Tony Stark because it proved to her how he has a heart for she has seen him for who he was when she was working with him. A white colored feather with its rachis the color of gold to remind her of Thor for he made her feel light as a feather even when her problems are weighing her down with his always optimistic side in people specifically his brother. A bag of chamomile tea leafs she always has on stock in her apartment to remind her of Bruce for his calming nature even if he has a monster lying underneath his exterior. An arrow necklace she wears on occasions for Clint because he was one of those people she has allowed to have a place in her heart. But a Captain America shield pin was pinned closest to where her heart is, because he was the one who made her feel like she belonged there with a home with him and he was the one who easily trusted her even when he has no reason to.

Without it now safe in her hands, she feels like a part of her went missing. And as her mind run wild about the mission and a part of it thinking about what could replace that pin, she takes her sweater and hangs it on the wall when her fingers graze something. Feeling a sense of thrill of on what might be on her pocket, she reached in and out came a sketchbook paper that seemed to be folded gently as to not crease the paper.

She knew who this was from. The paper was from the sketchbook she bought him as a souvenir from Paris. And as she pries it open, the smell of shaved color pencils and the smell of ink filled her senses. Her eyes widened slightly as her sight come across a picture of her he drew with his own hands. It was simple, sketchy like he just drew a sketch out of boredom and decided to color it randomly. But it was beautifully simple like him and she decided that she's going to frame this in a small frame and bring it in a bag with her everywhere.

Tracing her finger on the drawing, she wondered if this was what he sees in her because what she sees in front of her eyes is not how she reflected herself to be. He drew her as if she was a strong, courageous and innocent young lady who has overcome her past and is strong enough to handle whatever is going to come her way in the future.

And as she goes to bed that night, she wished that time would tick quickly so she could go back home when maybe things will change and they could go on as friends like they always are and how they were supposed to be in this lifetime.

"Who do you want me to be?"

"How about a friend?"

**A/N: **Thank you for reading! I apologize for the awkward kiss scene for that was my first time writing one and for any grammatical mistakes. This is not beta-ed and English is not my first language as well. Also, I finished this by 4 AM and I'm absolutely tired.

Drop by a review so I could improve in my writing!

Thank you and have a marvelous day!

-iavenge


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